I have a therapy appointment coming up on Monday. Funny enough, I originally booked it for my ex and me to go together. We’d been talking about it. But now, that appointment is just for me. We broke up before we could go, and I was left staring at an appointment that no longer had its original meaning.

I reached out to the therapist, asking, “Hi, we decided to break up…should I keep this or cancel?” He said it would be worth keeping, as I might be mulling over a lot of thoughts. That’s true. I’ve wondered how I could have saved the relationship. What could I have done differently? Was it something I said? Was I too direct? Did I not make a good impression on his family? What went wrong?

The thoughts swirl, leaving me questioning myself in ways I hadn’t expected. I’ll bring a list of things I jotted down to the session…pieces of myself I’m trying to make sense of.

• Feeling like I made a mistake.
• If only I had done this or said that.
• I can fix it. Just give me more time.
• Active. Signal. Lead on.

They don’t make sense on their own, but the theme is there. I keep coming back to blaming myself. It’s like the sharp edge of a blade sinking in deeper every time. I think about the things I could have changed, the ways I could have been better. Loved better.

I’ve always been someone who overthinks, who wonders if there’s something I missed or didn’t do right. But right now, I’m trying to figure out if this is about the relationship itself or about me…about how I see myself when everything falls apart. Can I fix it? Can I fix myself?

I think the answer always lies in The Self.